Refuge

My word for 2020 came to me 10 days into the year.

This first week has been an emotionally tough one. A few “regular” emotional events, an unexpected heartbreak and driveway moment of potential panic.

It began with an end to vacation which included saying good-bye to family in Denver. (it is always hardest to separate from my Mum.) This year also included saying good-bye to our son, who was flying straight back to DC to return to work. This was the first year he didn’t have the long break of a student. I am so proud of him as a grown-up but it also gave me a wave of emotion.

Next it was back to Memphis to help our daughter prepare to move to Ireland for 5 months to study engineering. This was also something new, but the parental emotions were not new. I got a little anxious in the planning and packing but when it was time to go, I felt calm.  A common quote by my husband is “When it is time, you go.”

These “regular” emotional events were part of my quick daily conversation with God. But it was a tragic event that drove me to need a refuge.

A close friend of mine, that I have prayed with in a Moms in Prayer group almost every Friday for 7 years, was grieving the loss of her 19 year old son who was killed in a car accident. It rocked my world. I had trouble breathing when I read the news. My heart is still aching. And I felt unprepared to be a friend to a grieving friend. This is new territory. A scary place.

I had a desire to DO something. I remembered good advice from a friend who is a widow “Reach out and tell your friend you love her”.  So I did that. Advice from people who have walked the road before you is so valuable. Some actions are so simple yet so emotionally hard. A few friends and I volunteered to bring dinner to the house. I was a little anxious as I prepared to go. My daughter gave me a hug and said something like “You are good at this, she is your friend that you pray with.” It meant the world to me. Such encouragement to do what is hard or what we feel ill-equipped to do. As another friend pointed out, “We have the best example from our Lord in how he cared for the broken-hearted. He met them where they were, he wept with them, he listened to them.” So this is what I try to DO. And I did feel God’s presence in their house as they grieved.

Later in the week I got a text from a friend and it had this verse in it:

Psalm 57:1 “ Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me.”

There was the word refuge. I needed that as I continued to process this grief. However, the word that first resonated with me was purpose. That God could fulfill His purpose for me AND in a time where my soul is in need of refuge. I saw this as purpose in my day not necessarily finding big-picture purpose. I try to do life one day at a time.  I try to leave space in my calendar to follow God’s lead. On that day, I didn’t think my grieving friend needed me.

But the verse gave me confidence to commit to visiting a different friend that was at her home with depression.

Side note: I am using the word friend for several different people in different situations in this post. I hope it is not confusing. So many stories are woven together in the tapestry of life. But want to tell my own story and not theirs so I am refraining from details. 

When I got to her house, I couldn’t get anyone to answer the phone or the door. My heart raced and I contemplated trying to break into the house. I left messages. What ifs were swirling in my brain. And then I sat in my car in her driveway and cried out to the Lord. I sought refuge. I prayed that my friend’s soul would find refuge. And I waited. I felt that God would be my strength in whatever happened next.  And in a phone call, disaster passed. It was a miscommunication. My friend was fine.

I don’t think my purpose in going there was a mistake. I think God wanted me to seek refuge. To surrender. To cry out. To come to Him.

I was exhausted when I got home so I took a nap, painted my nails and then pulled out an adult coloring book. I wanted to think on my week. To process my emotions. This is what I colored. And when I saw the word refuge again, I knew it was my new word.

 

Refuge in the Lord.

Not refuge in my own strength. Not refuge in comfort food. Not refuge in sleep. Not refuge in wine. Not refuge in gossip. Not refuge in trying to please others.

Refuge in the Lord.

 

Footnote: quote and driveway story used with permission

PS. Cover photo: I haven’t put away the Christmas decorations yet. A big chore looming. I hate for the season to end. But even in the midst of that, a bit of spring bloomed this morning. It seemed like a metaphor for my week. God giving glimpses of good and hope amidst things that I may resist or are hard.